Thunder and My Grandma Brown

Lightning

Grandma Brown left her body earlier today. I am unbelieveably sad. I miss her so much already. I want to know where she is now. I keep replaying in my mind the thought of her last breath and wondering what happens after the last breath. Do we have souls? Is her soul on a new journey at this very moment. Deep down I get very fearful that when you die, that is the end and that we don’t go anywhere. But then I think about a creator and I think, no way can all of this be here including you and me without something having had created us and everything we call things. I am just utterly mind boggled by death, by my Grandmother’s death.

I am so sad for so many reasons. I wish that the whole family had been at her bedside, praying and loving her. The last day I saw my Grandmother was on Friday. I knew she probably wouldn’t make it through the weekend. She was completely unconscious and hadn’t eaten or drank any fluids in at least 3 days. My Uncle was at her bedside reading a joke book out loud for all in the room to hear. It was his best way of dealing with the situation and trying to keep everyone’s minds off of Grandma’s impending death. He also thought that if by chance she could somewhere and somehow still hear what was going on, even though she appeared to be in a deep sleep, that this would too keep her mind off of dying. I felt so helpless and sad and disturbed because dying isn’t something that we should take lightly or “joke” about. I know that he realy truely was trying to do the right thing in his mind and was trying to help the situtation, but I just felt so sad. A few weeks before Grandma got really sick, I had tried to talk to her and see if she wanted anyone to come and read to her. More importantly I wanted to come by and read the Bible to her, she was a Christian. She said that she didn’t very much feel like reading, because she just couldn’t concentrate on it, so I never did ask her if she would like it if someone came and read the Bible to her. She seemed very unhappy and perhaps fearful of dying. When she still thought that she had a fighting chance a while back when she was on Chemo, she acted as if she was okay to die and that she had great faith in God. I hope that this was true, although I felt bummed when towards the very end, there appeared to be nothing really Godly or Godly thinking going on around her. Her pasture did come by a few times and that was nice.

I just can’t believe she is no longer here. Yesterday I was taking a nap and I woke up all of a sudden with this very surreal out of body feeling that very soon Grandma just wouldn’t be here and I can’t even describe the feeling in words. It was very eary and strange to comprehend and grasp the feeling that I felt. I wish I could describe this better.

While Grandma died this morning, we were either on our way to river or at the river swiming. I felt really sick when I got the voice message to call my family when we got back. I was pretty sure that I knew what the message was going to be. I am upset that I wasn’t there when she passed and that I didn’t get to see her before they took her body away. We all should have been there.

I just can’t believe that I can never call her again. I can never go to her house and see her again. Soon her phone number will be entirely gone, I will need to delete the number from my mind. Her house will eventually be gone and sold too. I just really can’t believe this is happening. I want to know where she is right now. Where do we go? Where is she? Why can’t I see her one more time, or 10 more times? I love her so much. I don’t know how I will get by with her sometimes. Grandma was the only one who truely understood my heart condition and I could ask her questions about hers and it would make me feel better. That is totally gone from me. Away and I can’t get that back. When I was at work and would have bad heart tremmors or feel just awful, I would always call Grandma and I always felt better knowing that she was only 10 minutes away from my work. I can’t believe she is gone.

There are some lessons that can be learned from my Grandma’s life and passing. I will reflect on that more latter. I just can’t go there and do that right now. I wish I could feel her now or see her and know that she is in someway or form carrying on somewhere. I feel so conflicted. I want to have a clear believe in faith, God, and an afterlife, but then I always have that doubt. I wish and wonder if there is a way to 100% erase that doubt. I wish I could somehow see something just really magical and spiritual that would make me say that without I doubt I know that there is a creator and an afterlife and reason to live a life based on faith and love of God. I know that a life based on faith and love of God is beautiful and it makes one feel very nice and pleasant, but I want to know that it’s real. God will you please reveal some of your spiritual power to me?

Today, Sunday, June 29th, was smoldering 97 degree day which ended in thunderstorms and some fat raindrops that fell from the sky. When Jada and I exited Temple, there was these beautiful beams of sunshine filtering through the clouds. Jada asked if it was someone doing this with lights, but no it was Mother Nature. I told Jada that it was Grandma Brown.