Bkgoswami’s Thought of the Day

I checked me email this morning and curiously looked at yesterday’s thought of the day from Bir Krishna Das Goswami. I receive these email in my inbox everyday but I don’t always look at them. Here was yesterday’s thought of the day:

bkgoswami.com

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Once you have faith… what happens when you have faith, that sort of faith? You become determined – ekeha kuru nandana – and you get off the mental platform. Mental platform means that you are not completely convinced. Prabhupada said, “I am acting as I am because I am completely convinced.”
(From Srila Gurudeva’s lecture on ‘Universal Form’, Zagreb, June 19, 2008)

This thought of the day exactly relates to a questions I had been pondering last night about God and faith. Krsna is giving me this message I feel. One must be completely convinced and completely surrender to God, and one must act on this because it is of the most urgent matter. I must step off of the mental platform and dive into the univeral peace and love of Krsna and his devotees.

Last night was difficult. I fell asleep reading Srila Prabhupada lilamrta, which was the easy part. I woke back up when Dan came to sleep and was overtaken by sadness. I cried myself to sleep and woke up still crying. I miss her so greatly right now.

Last night at temple I was talking to Bhakti Rasa about my Grandmother’s death. She asked if the whole family was there when she passed. I shortly explained that the whole family is broken and that only a few family members were present and about my Uncle and the joke book. I told her that on Friday, I had sat at Grandma’s bed for a few moments and chanted Hare Krsna in my mind but wasn’t able to do so out loud in the pressece of my relatives and there was never a time when one could be alone with her to pray.

I am so scared that I didn’t do enough for her. When she started to go, I had really wanted to come over and read scripture to her and pray for her, and I had tried to get her going in this direction but she was so distraught over death that she quit thinking, out loud anyways, about her faith in God. She was scared, and just like my post yesterday and directly relating to Bir Krishna Das Goswami’s thought of the day yesterday, she was on a mental platform still. She wanted to believe and have faith, but she still wasn’t 100% convinced I think. If she had been 100% convinced then she would have sought shelter of God. Instead, durring her last conscious days and hours, she spent them coloring in a coloring book of birds that I had purchased for her some time ago one time while she was in the hospital.

I really wish that I just could have done something more spiritually for her in the end. There is a lesson for me to be learned from this experience and about death and about planning for death and about what really matters while you still have life.

Thank you Krsna for not giving up on me and for teaching me these important lessons. I am nothing, just the smallest minute part of you. Thank you for being patient with me and loving me. Please allow me to keep on this path of becoming completely convinced in you. I know that I am not there yet and that I have so many flaws. Please help me be more humble and engage me in your service. Hare Krsna.

She never

She never got to see me get married
She never got to see my new house and all of the flowers and gardens that I have now, she would have just loved

Thunder and My Grandma Brown

Lightning

Grandma Brown left her body earlier today. I am unbelieveably sad. I miss her so much already. I want to know where she is now. I keep replaying in my mind the thought of her last breath and wondering what happens after the last breath. Do we have souls? Is her soul on a new journey at this very moment. Deep down I get very fearful that when you die, that is the end and that we don’t go anywhere. But then I think about a creator and I think, no way can all of this be here including you and me without something having had created us and everything we call things. I am just utterly mind boggled by death, by my Grandmother’s death.

I am so sad for so many reasons. I wish that the whole family had been at her bedside, praying and loving her. The last day I saw my Grandmother was on Friday. I knew she probably wouldn’t make it through the weekend. She was completely unconscious and hadn’t eaten or drank any fluids in at least 3 days. My Uncle was at her bedside reading a joke book out loud for all in the room to hear. It was his best way of dealing with the situation and trying to keep everyone’s minds off of Grandma’s impending death. He also thought that if by chance she could somewhere and somehow still hear what was going on, even though she appeared to be in a deep sleep, that this would too keep her mind off of dying. I felt so helpless and sad and disturbed because dying isn’t something that we should take lightly or “joke” about. I know that he realy truely was trying to do the right thing in his mind and was trying to help the situtation, but I just felt so sad. A few weeks before Grandma got really sick, I had tried to talk to her and see if she wanted anyone to come and read to her. More importantly I wanted to come by and read the Bible to her, she was a Christian. She said that she didn’t very much feel like reading, because she just couldn’t concentrate on it, so I never did ask her if she would like it if someone came and read the Bible to her. She seemed very unhappy and perhaps fearful of dying. When she still thought that she had a fighting chance a while back when she was on Chemo, she acted as if she was okay to die and that she had great faith in God. I hope that this was true, although I felt bummed when towards the very end, there appeared to be nothing really Godly or Godly thinking going on around her. Her pasture did come by a few times and that was nice.

I just can’t believe she is no longer here. Yesterday I was taking a nap and I woke up all of a sudden with this very surreal out of body feeling that very soon Grandma just wouldn’t be here and I can’t even describe the feeling in words. It was very eary and strange to comprehend and grasp the feeling that I felt. I wish I could describe this better.

While Grandma died this morning, we were either on our way to river or at the river swiming. I felt really sick when I got the voice message to call my family when we got back. I was pretty sure that I knew what the message was going to be. I am upset that I wasn’t there when she passed and that I didn’t get to see her before they took her body away. We all should have been there.

I just can’t believe that I can never call her again. I can never go to her house and see her again. Soon her phone number will be entirely gone, I will need to delete the number from my mind. Her house will eventually be gone and sold too. I just really can’t believe this is happening. I want to know where she is right now. Where do we go? Where is she? Why can’t I see her one more time, or 10 more times? I love her so much. I don’t know how I will get by with her sometimes. Grandma was the only one who truely understood my heart condition and I could ask her questions about hers and it would make me feel better. That is totally gone from me. Away and I can’t get that back. When I was at work and would have bad heart tremmors or feel just awful, I would always call Grandma and I always felt better knowing that she was only 10 minutes away from my work. I can’t believe she is gone.

There are some lessons that can be learned from my Grandma’s life and passing. I will reflect on that more latter. I just can’t go there and do that right now. I wish I could feel her now or see her and know that she is in someway or form carrying on somewhere. I feel so conflicted. I want to have a clear believe in faith, God, and an afterlife, but then I always have that doubt. I wish and wonder if there is a way to 100% erase that doubt. I wish I could somehow see something just really magical and spiritual that would make me say that without I doubt I know that there is a creator and an afterlife and reason to live a life based on faith and love of God. I know that a life based on faith and love of God is beautiful and it makes one feel very nice and pleasant, but I want to know that it’s real. God will you please reveal some of your spiritual power to me?

Today, Sunday, June 29th, was smoldering 97 degree day which ended in thunderstorms and some fat raindrops that fell from the sky. When Jada and I exited Temple, there was these beautiful beams of sunshine filtering through the clouds. Jada asked if it was someone doing this with lights, but no it was Mother Nature. I told Jada that it was Grandma Brown.

Grandma Brown

Grandma Brown is dying and I love her very much. I can’t believe that she will no longer be here very soon. I am at a great loss without her.

Today I went to visit her at her bedside. She is unconscious and gurgeling on her phlegm which sounds unbelievable horrible as if she is drowning in her own fluids. I think that she is peaceful and hopefully not aware of the uncomfortable bodily symptoms.

I am so very sad and at the same time so angry with my Father and Brother for their behaviour during this time. I really feel like I don’t know my Father anymore. He isn’t the same man he once was. I don’t like his decisions and the paths he chooses to take. I just don’t know him any more. The Father I knew would never behave in this way. The father I once knew would be at his dying Mother’s bedside as she left her body.

Uncle Rob has shown tremendous strength throughout all of this. He has been there from day 1 since Grandma found out that she had the cancer, taking her to appointments, taking her out to experience life and to try and keep her mind off of her own impending death. He has personally seen to having the best care for her and made it possible for her to remain in her own home instead of some nasty hospice center to die in. I continue to be amazed with his compassion and ability to think so clearly and walk the good path. I’ve come to realize that I didn’t really know my Uncle Rob either. He is a much greater and kinder man that I had thought.

Grandma, I love you so very much and wish you well on your soul’s next great adventure. If I should never see you again, I would like you to know that you mean the world to me. My life wouldn’t be what it was today… I wouldn’t be who I am today, without your guidance and all of your help along the way. I wish for you the best in the world. You are a beautiful soul and I will never forget you in this life. I love you with all of my heart and it’s so very hard to let you go. Goodbye Grandma.

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